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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine`s Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.