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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
I am Bad and thats Good. I will never be Good and thats not Bad. There`s no one i`d rather be than ME.
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
1, 2 Freddie´s coming for u 3, 4 better lock the door 5, 6 grab your crucifix 7, 8 gotta say up late 9, 10 never sleep again
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.