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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
I`ve just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone`s taken the appendix out.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.