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Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
Got a new Juicer. Going to Juice all these delicious organic vegetables I got ... then add Vodka ... Don`t judge...
With my eyes. That`s how I roll.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.
All my dance moves look like i`m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I`m going to become a hermit as soon as I find a cave with a decent wifi connection.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.