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Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
Honk if you are reading this.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
State of mind is in no mind to state its state of mind.
I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
apparently telling my girlfriend her acuracy is as high as a magic 8 ball wasn`t a good idea.
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
I gave my cat 7up, now it has 16 lives
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.