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Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
A person soon learns how little they know when a child begins to ask questions.
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.