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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
Etc... A word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I`m unsure of
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.