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I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
Michael Schumacher`s former crew just visited him in the hospital. They changed the wheels on his bed and his drip in 4.4 secs.
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
There`s something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs.
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
I stop at random Jehovah`s Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.