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I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
All guys should learn from Mario Bros. No matter how far their princess is, they should go after her.
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
The best things in life are free, but they still screw you on shipping.
I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.