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I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
You only live once.......Unless someone has a defribrilator
only 9530 days until retirement.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.
Pregnancy test confirmed me my worst fear.......I`m just fat
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues. ... and dates.
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the sh!t out of you.
It’s not a nap unless your face wakes up in a puddle of your own drool.