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My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
I´m (insert your name) BITCHES!!!! Deal with that.
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
I got 99 problems but a least my name aint North West.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
is running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."