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Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
Most meteorologists are men. That`s why when they say we`re going to get 6-8" of snow, we only get 2 or 3.
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
Nice try salad bars, there`s only one kinda bar I plan on attending.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups...
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I`m unsure of