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I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren`t we helping to find them?
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on one
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
If you don`t put your leftovers in Tupperware for like at least two weeks before throwing it in the trash... you`re doing it wrong.
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Agreeing to disagree is lame. Let’s agree to take turns slapping each other until one of us admits we were wrong.
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can`t get any worse, please remember...I don`t give a s$it.