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Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I`ve gotta go find my clothes.
It must really suck to take life so seriously that you can’t enjoy it.
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That`s why I`m happier than you