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LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
Smelling another person should be a choice. Just sayin’
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF!
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
The longer I`m left unattended in the Drs office the more tongue depressors I can lick and put back in the jar..... Just sayin
Guys, if she says she`s crazy, she`s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since `pro` is the opposite of `con` we should call it prosti..... oh wait.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.