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For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?
my mom and I have so much in common..she doesn`t listen and niether do I :p
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
why would anyone want a baby? It`s just another thing you have to clean
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.