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I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
When I was a kid, I used to sing, `A, B, C,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P`
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
Despite being a pain in the a$$, you have to admit I still bring a lot to the table.
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...