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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don`t have a weight problem....I`m just hot
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.