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Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
Basically the way it works is I tell myself I`m not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.
When I grow up I´d like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.