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I would like to wish all of the groundhogs a very safe and happy Groundhogs Day.
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it´s still on the list.
spank me, its the only way i`ll learn.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
If you`re in a hole, stop digging...
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.