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Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
Secret Admirers are just stalkers with good PR.
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
for those people out there who don`t know me, congrats your not a facebook addict
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
I`m perfect you adjust.
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.