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Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...