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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
They sell Harvard shirts at Target so that’s a good way to save $ 399,984.05.
is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
My dog doesn`t always bark like there`s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I`m home alone and in the shower.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."