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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
Bring a side? Like, of alcohol?
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.