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There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe…call in sick tomorrow.
Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you`re laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
I don`t like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
If the shoe fits, buy it.
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.