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At long last, I`ve finished my research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.....The results were, quite frankly, staggering.
Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.
You might be addicted to Facebook if you read my post`s every day...
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
The best part about living in a small town is when I don`t know what I`m doing, someone else does.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
I want to be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
You`re about as deep as a kiddies splash-pool..
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."