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I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
High-five a veteran today.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?