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At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
"Trust me, you can dance." -Vodka
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
the difference between people and celebreties ...... celebreties don`t have a routine
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
If at first you don`t succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.
I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.