Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
life is like a bed of roses just got to whatch out for the pricks
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what`s inside.
It takes balls to be a man.
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I`m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don`t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn`t sign up for the position.
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, then why the heck is there a song about it?
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.