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I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
If you’re gonna keep being so attractive, I’m gonna need you to make out with me.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.
None of my girlfriends even know they`re dating me.
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
I`d explain it to you again but I`m fresh out of crayons and puppets