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If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
I don`t know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.