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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
make little things count. teach midgets math.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
It`s always quiet on here at the weekends, it`s like you people have lives or something...
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.