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Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring ... so I go back to being me. ;)
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
I just awesomed all over the place.
Turns out I`m ambidextrous at yet another sport! And I even scored a bingo twice. Left-handed!
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.