Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
If you can`t read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that sh!t.
If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? Wouldn’t there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.