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Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
Why isn`t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Once I`m finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it ... I`m gonna miss that baby...
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
There`s nothing like hearing the laughter of a baby. Unless it`s 1AM and you`re home alone.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
my doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old, the mind of a 30 year old and the wisdom of a someone twice my age, to which my husband asked " What did he say about your fat ass?" I said to my husband, "Oh , the doctor didn`t say anything about you dear!".
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
If only there was a way to voice a highly uneducated opinion to thousands of people on a regular basis