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Vodka is just amazing water.
"F@ck It" has gotten me through a lot of situations.
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
Where is the button to restart summer?
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."