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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald’s stops serving breakfast.
I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?
There`s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.