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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
I saw a cool bumper sticker on a back of a SUV . . . “Do you follow Jesus this close?”
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.