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If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
I can`t tell if I actually have free time, or if I`m just forgetting everything...
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
Sometimes I zone out and forget what I’m supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.