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Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning.
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
Without facebook: more sleep, less drama, and a life!
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?