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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
It`s almost Valentines Day and I still don`t know what to get myself yet.
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.