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My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
If Google can`t find the answer, it`s not a question.
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
If you`re going to be stupid, don`t do it on Facebook.
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
Home is where the alcohol is.