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Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
How come know-it-alls don`t know how annoying they are?
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
For a generation that allowed YOLO, BAE, and KIM KARDASHIAN to happen, you sure have a lot of f*cking opinions on how things should be run.
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.
Don`t sell yourself short, in fact, don`t sell yourself at all. I`m pretty sure it`s illegal
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.