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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
why do people with bad teeth always have a smile on there face
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.