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Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
We should do this “3-day weekend” thing more often.
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?" I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.