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Still not 100% clear on whether French Montana is a person or a steakhouse special.
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
No great story started with someone drinking water.
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
If you`re in WalMart and you`re holding in a fart, just remember, YOU`RE IN WALMART!!
Nothing is impossible.. Never Give Up.. I know a guy that once actually guessed correctly why his girlfriend was mad at him.. :|
I’m not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.
Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?