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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I`ve been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
It`s Sunday or as I like to call it, "No pants day".
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
I am hungry 25 hours a day
I`ve decided!! I’m giving up my New Years resolutions for Lent.
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
There`s not much more gratifying than seeing a chick who thinks she`s super hot trip on her high heels.
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?