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It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
There`s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
Sometime when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :)
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is `What is never the answer?`
The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you`re fighting with your brother.
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.