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The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot.