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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
I think...therefore, I am.....single
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
I`d like to test the theory that money can`t buy you happiness.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
If you can`t read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that sh!t.
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.