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I FINALLY "friended" my girlfriend on Facebook.. You know.. So I could get updates on our relationship status.. :|
Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven`t spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....
You guys are even more beautiful now that I`m wearing my "wine glasses".
My job blocked the Favstar website and I`m not sure if I should quit or take hostages. Haha! Jk. I`m totally taking hostages.
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
I wish that we lived in a world where a chicken could cross the road without getting its motives questioned.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Of course I`m crazy, but that doesn`t mean I`m wrong