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Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
when humans are in love they get butterflys...dose that mean when butterflys are in love they get humans!! :)
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
I just lost my mood ring, I don`t know how I feel about that.
Ugh, I forgot to go to the gym today. That`s 9 years in a row now...