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I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
Saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit and thought... That`s a little racist.
Childless people wondering what it`s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
I don`t work that hard, I just make everything look way more difficulat than it is...
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok
How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?