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Do you ever think that if it weren`t for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .
“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.