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The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.
I`ve got a lot to unlearn.
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.