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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.
If I randomly burst out in laughter, it`s usually `cause I just told myself a joke I`d never heard before :)
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.