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I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
I think that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
I`m putting more thought into my Halloween costume than into my job.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
There are 2 kinds of people I can’t stand: Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what in the hell is going on.
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?
If 3 people have sex, it`s called a 3-some. If 2 people have sex, it`s called a 2-some. I guess we now know why they call you HAND-some.