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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
I`d probably get a lot more done if it wasn`t for me.
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.
This isn`t a bakery. We don`t sugarcoat sh!t