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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Relationship status: I make my own sandwiches.
Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
I bet my road rage will be taken seriously once I get a car.
The best thing about smartphones is that you don`t have to refold maps anymore.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
If there`s anything I`ve learned in my 27 years, it`s to never admit your real age.
It`s no fun if you have permission.