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And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
Helpful Tip : The police never think it`s as funny as you do.
I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
Does Starbucks have an express lane if your order is 10 words or less?
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
My own personal hell sounds great, actually