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Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that`s over with.
You know what’s worse than slow internet? NOTHING.
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
More people should be at a loss for words.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.