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Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
You make me have filthy thoughts, and for that I thank you...
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
I didn`t see anyone important today so I`m going to wear the same clothes tomorrow.
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.
It takes so much self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible