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How come know-it-alls, don`t know how annoying they are?
Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
It’s a status….not your diary…
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver