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Don`t talk to me about disappointment. I had lots of adults tell me they were gonna "fix my little red wagon" yet here it sits with a broken wheel still
I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
People that walk behind cars get exhausted
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so fvck it!
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!
Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.