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Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.
Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
I don`t understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge
My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing & they live for 150 years. Lesson learned
Jodi Arias dating O J Simpson now that would be a hell of a relationship
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome