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Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
The good thing about being tall is, you can`t get lost in a crowd. The bad thing is, you can`t get lost in a crowd.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.
Relationships are not a test... So why cheat?
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.