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Worry: a waste of imagination.
If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Raise the bar..? Like go and drink upstairs..?
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.