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You can`t make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
My last relationship was a lot like The Notebook. It felt like it lasted forever and we both wanted to die towards the end.
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
SNAUGHLING: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.