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Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
i just caught a disease so rare that even i dont have it .
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
I`d stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.