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My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
I may have let you down, but it`s your fault for having such high hopes.
Some of my best memories are naps.
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
I would like to thank you people for letting me know its Friday every week. Its thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
Don`t mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.